Inner Voices Battle

Day 21:  2:16am.  It's the middle of the night.  Bad choices woke me up.  Inner voices battling kept me up.

What the hell am I doing?  Why am I doing all of this?  I am not even losing weight yet!  I am tired.  My body hurts.  My muscles are sore.  I feel stupid.  This ridiculous period/non-period is making me crazy!  My tiny kitchen is pissing me off.  I want to cry.  Hard.  I want to ugly cry and get it all out, but for some reason, like my period, it alludes me.

Yesterday was a busy day.  It always feels busy and a bit chaotic when everyone is home.  I love my family, don't get me wrong, but it's much harder to sustain discipline when I am distracted or entertained by their company.  Last night, my husband chose Moe's for dinner while we were out shopping and running errands in the evening.  I cringed (that place is not Mediterranean by any stretch), but I wanted to be "agreeable" and "flexible" and try to prove (to myself?) that I could make my plan work even during challenging scenarios.

I chose a chicken quesadilla, figuring that was simple - tortilla, chicken, shredded cheese & salsa with a side of sour cream. No chips or cheese dip.  The regular chicken didn't look as appetizing as the spicy chicken, so I opted for the latter.  It didn't seem that spicy at 6pm when I ate it.  2am sings a different song.  It was that bad choice and it's acid-reflux consequence that woke me from a bad dream 45 minutes ago.

So here I sit, in the middle of the night, basking in the silence.  Reckoning with myself.  I am split in two.  I have that dark voice I shared above questioning my sanity at every turn.  But underneath, I still have my positive voice that feels confident I am doing the right things (mostly).  It is a quiet whisper that is telling me that I need to be stoic in my approach and even willing to be a bit "difficult" and less "people pleasing" - which also boils down to "husband pleasing".  No more Moe's for damn sure.  If we are out and about and that situation presents itself again, I can always find a Panera or somewhere to grab a salad.  Lesson (painfully) learned!

This whisper is so clear, I believe the things it tells me.  Is this my intuition?  Some angelic guidance?  My higher self?  The whisper says Rome wasn't built in a day.  You must continue on this path, you are doing all of the right things.  It will work, in time.

Somehow I am understanding the possibility that there is a repair component to this whole thing.  It is bigger than just losing weight.  The focus has to be on optimal health.  This voice insists that repair must occur first.  That my body has been though so much, that I have been so out of balance and that the stress and anxiety I had raging though my body for so long has done damage.  And that by flooding my system with nourishing food and working on building all of this muscle and then by giving myself much needed restorative sleep - that I am healing and repairing.

Our bodies have natural healing powers.  Nutrition is the best medicine.  Getting out of my own way and trusting my body to heal itself, repair what is damaged and come back into balance - that is the true path to losing this extra fat/weight - I truly believe that.  Trust and patience.  Faith.  Surrendering.  So simple and so hard!  But this whisper is so insistent.  Somehow it is appealing to my logical nature and overriding my default fear/doubt/skeptical insecurities.

I know I am making changes to my body, but I am changing in other ways too.  There is a spiritual journey and an emotional healing inherent in committing so strongly to a disciplined practice to heal myself.  My whole self.  Perhaps then it is no surprise that the external physical changes will be the last to manifest?  I am going to choose to trust that my transformation is unfolding, exactly as it is should.

It is a choice which voice we listen to and align ourselves with.  The loud angry voice can be persistent and hard to ignore, but the whisper is crystal clear and filled with strength and compassion.  I am choosing wisely!  Are you?

Until next time...  Be well!
~Tracy