Fat Shaming & Body Image (Size is Relative)

Day 13 - Happy Weekend.  I want to broach a sensitive topic today.  As you read, please remember these were my personal feelings about MYSELF on a very vulnerable day in the past.  It is not a reflection or comparison to anyone else.  It is not about size, it is about vulnerability and insecurity and the voices in our head (that either shame or empower).

Yesterday, I was walking through Walmart, pushing my buggy toward the checkout lanes.  I was lost in thought and feeling really light on my feet.  I found myself wanting to do knee lifts as I walked across the floor.  I stopped myself realizing how ridiculous that would look, but was taken aback by my inclination.  I do a lot of leg movements like that during my dvd workouts, I guess my legs just remembered and were ready to go.

It made me think just how far I've come with my fitness goals and then I remembered a day last September when I felt the exact opposite.  To give some quick background, I had joined a local gym and was trying to learn how to use all of the weight machines.  It was extremely intimidating, I felt very out of my element, vulnerable and exposed.  I referred to the weight area as the "metal jungle" and took pause to notice how the people there were "body people" and how I was definitely not.  I live mostly in my head.  It is a struggle for me taking this journey to come back into my body and the present moment and I have been working on it in fits and bursts for such a long time.

I wanted to share an except with you of an email I sent to my cousin during that time:

Today was a tough gym day.  My intention was to do my half hour cardio and then half hour strength training - on my lower body.  As much success as I had in the metal jungle on Tuesday was in stark contrast to today.  I knew I wanted to work on legs, but I had no real plan.  And so I decided to go to the mirror and use free weights again and wing it.  I failed miserably and had a really bad shaming moment.  So I started with calf raises - simple enough.  I held 10 pound weights in each hand and did 3 sets of 10.  

Then I put them down and sat on a bench and literally had a brain freeze and paralyzing fear overcame me.  I saw there were some stretchy bands and I have worked with them before but my mind was a blank and I had no idea how to anchor them to anything for some of the exercises that I'm familiar with.  So I did the only thing that popped into my head.

I wrapped the stretchy band around both of my legs (sitting on the weight bench) with my feet flat on the floor and pulled it tight (crossing the band on my thighs) and pushed my legs apart against the resistance.  And I felt so stupid and humiliated and FAT.  For some reason confronting myself in the mirror sitting down was so much worse than the standing arm segments I'd done.  I wanted the earth to swallow me.  But I kept my chin up and did a few sets.  And I heard a girl laughing uncontrollably.  And I felt this horrible unease.  And she kept laughing and I just couldn't bring myself to turn and look at her because I believe she was videotaping me in my fatness doing this ridiculous fat leg separating movement.  I wish now I would've looked (just to know for sure!), but my pride would not allow me to even flinch.

When I was done with that stupid exercise, I put the stretchy band back and asked a very fit guy who was standing near me if he would please show me a proper lunge.  He was very nice and did so and then I held weights and did lunges (5 on each side) - even though I really wanted to die of humiliation.  Then I watched the girl walk into the back and I had this feeling that she was going to look at the video she took of me and post it meanly on social media for the whole world to see.  Then I put the weights back and forced myself to do 15 squats (with no weights).  When I was finished and could take not one more second of my "situation", I told myself it was perfectly fine to walk it out on the upstairs track for the rest of my workout time. 

As I was walking, imagining the horrible fall out from the now viral (in my imagination) video of myself looking like a bit fat weirdo - I asked myself, what does that say about me?  And her?  And the answers that came to mind were - it shows that I feel enormously FAT and vulnerable but that I am TRYING.  That I clearly don't really know what I am doing (when it comes to the leg workouts).

Then I thought - someone could take a video of my fat self anywhere - making fun of me.  I have no control over that.  And I thought at least I wasn't shoving food in my face.  I was in a gym.  Trying.  And it shows how mean she is and "fat shaming".  And I did remind myself, several times, throughout this whole horrible hypothetical scenario that she may have gotten a funny text from a friend.  But I feel that is unlikely.  She was laughing meanly and I could feel it.  But either way - it doesn't matter.  And that is the empowering portion of this.

That was a very sobering, hard day for me.  Regardless of what happened in reality, I internalized all of that as if it actually happened.  And I felt all of those horrible, worthless feelings.  And then I realized that I would still be able to hold my head up and move forward.  It didn't matter.  It was my choice whether I allowed that to make me feel bad about myself or not.  And I chose to set it aside and use it to start an even more important conversation with myself about my body image and my self-worth.

How we feel about our body is a very personal thing.  When I was younger I was always so insecure.  When I felt I looked really good, I would worry I looked "too good" - like I was trying too hard or like I would draw unwanted attention from both women (who may be jealous) or men (who might do me harm).  It seems, truthfully, like I've never really been comfortable in my own skin, regardless of my size.

Working to create a strong mind-body connection is like stepping outside of all of that nonsense.  I am ready! Thank God, because it was exhausting!

Until next time...  Be well!
~Tracy