Anxiety is Sneaky! (But Strive on Heedfully)
This was a quote given to me by a gentleman who came to pick up Chinese Food at the restaurant where I worked, when I was fifteen years old. I never knew what made him express that to me. I often wondered over the years if some angelic force whispered for him to share it with me. I think I still have the original writing somewhere in a dusty box, but it doesn't matter because the words became etched to memory long ago.
Yesterday, I had planned on attending that Gentle Yoga class that I raved about last week. I was truly looking forward to it and then suddenly, 90 minutes before class would've started, I had this "episode". It was as if someone pulled the battery out of my body, my energy just depleted. At 4:00pm. I was so tired and my body felt so heavy. I struggle with this all the time. One day, I am totally fine and I can do an hour workout in the morning, take a walk and then play tennis. The next day, I can barely walk 3/4 of a mile. Or I can do a lot and then suddenly, bam - I feel like my limbs are full of lead. And it's not fair!
Deep breath.
I finished dinner (grilled chicken with couscous) and then excused myself to my bedroom for a nap. I put my ear buds in and followed a guided meditation on the calm app on my phone. When I arose an hour later, feeling a little bit better, but sad I missed my yoga class, I found myself googling "why does my body feel so heavy"? Please note, this is not because I'm carrying extra fat/weight. This is something totally different. It's like I'm suddenly walking through water, except nothing has changed. Like someone flipped the switch on my "gravity boots" like you see in Sci-Fi movies. Just a sudden, permeating, overwhelming heaviness. A very frustrating heaviness.
I was surprised (though I shouldn't have been) to see that many people have experienced this and the common thread seems to be anxiety. Oh goodie! Truthfully, I'm actually glad to know this is what is happening. But, still - wtf?
Do you want to know something hysterical, which really isn't even funny? My new therapist is leaving the practice where I see her. I've only seen her 3 times. Do you know how much time and energy it takes to go through all of the "background information" and get acquainted before it even begins to be cumulatively helpful? A freaking Lot! But, as divine intervention would have it, a light bulb went off in my head.
As I sat there googling these issues, and feeling so certain this was an energetic problem tied to my anxiety, I remembered my last therapist who did EMDR ("Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing") work. This is a type of cognitive therapy that has been found to be effective in treating a variety of disorders, including anxiety. She and I made a lot of progress and I sort of graduated a couple years ago. The only reason I didn't go back to her straight away was because I have a new primary care doctor and she recommended the new therapist.
Luckily, (seriously, thank you God), she (my old/new therapist - I will call her "Kat" from now on) called me back last evening and was able to schedule me for this afternoon. Just knowing that I will be seeing her again, that I can skip all of the introductions, get right down to the real issues and start working on my energy problem has me feeling hopeful and comforted.
Why am I sharing all of this with you? It is personal, vulnerable and embarrassing. Because it's real. I know I am NOT the only one who suffers from these crazy-making symptoms. I'm not the only person doing everything RIGHT and still struggling. If my sharing this helps ease your burden a little bit, makes you feel a bit more "normal" or inspire you to keep reaching for a helping hand out of wherever or however you are stuck or struggling, then it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me.
Frankly, I'm not even embarrassed. I am so far over that. I have to stay true to my word. This journey is not for the faint-hearted. I meant what I said yesterday about feeling that when we lose weight we release the emotion that we originally suppressed by overeating. This would be a natural unfolding then, if I stay awake enough to connect with it. Having a therapist who does energy work can only aid my health goals - physical, mental and spiritual. Mind-Body-Spirit. I am doing the best I can day by day. And I will not give up. And I won't fall off my wagon. I will keep working out, eating nutritious food and working to ease my anxiety and heal my body. That's all there is to it. Who's with me?
Until next time... Be well!
~Tracy
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