Vanity?

Day 35:  Sunday.  Today, I am writing from underneath the shade of a big maple tree, on a bench seat someone was nice enough to place here at the trail head (along the Montour trail).  Sweat is trickling down my back and I am wondering why exactly I thought this would be a good idea.  I decided to tag along with my husband for his long bike ride, to go at my own pace and just wait for him once I was done.  I brought my journal and a few books in my backpack to keep me company.

I rode what felt like 50 miles, but in reality was probably not even 4.  He just texted me he was 10 miles out and would be back in 40 minutes.  I do feel good that I pushed myself as far as I did, especially riding with my backpack strapped on but, it is Hot!  I hate to ever complain about warm weather, but.. wait - maybe I will take this moment to turn it around - I am thankful for the shade of this tree and for some time to be alone and just "be" for a little while.

Yesterday, on my big "run away" adventure, my husband took a picture of me while we were hiking and I was sad when I saw myself from behind.  See the post picture above.  My first thoughts were, "fluffy hair and a chubby butt"!  I am a bit ashamed of myself for those thoughts (and for how long they lingered).

I was surrounded by beauty, nature in full majestic splendor.  We had kayaked fairly far, docked and hiked for a good while, before we got back in the kayaks to head back to the main dock where we parked.  I was enjoying myself, my husband's company and our spontaneous adventure.  And then I was pouty and full of negative thoughts about my body.  And myself.

And for a moment, I questioned if the only reason I was doing any of this was vanity.  I asked myself, "am I vain and superficial"?  Maybe I am vain, to a degree perhaps?  But not superficial.  I am "too real" for that.  But I was confused and conflicted, fearing I just need to accept myself as I am - round and curvy and with some extra junk in my trunk.

But what is wrong with wanting to lose these 28 pounds?  22.2 lbs now to be exact!  I know my husband loves me for me.  My kids literally cannot even fathom why I want to lose weight in the first place.  They both told me, "what does it matter?", "you are already married", and "who cares what you look like"?

But I do.  It matters to me, for me.  Maybe there is a layer of self-respect mixed in with the vanity?  I want to lose this weight because I want my outside to match my inside.  I feel like this extra weight is an outward expression and constant reminder of all of the times I stuffed my face full of chocolate instead of saying what I really wanted to say, or when I was too beat down by life, emotional issues, parenting and responsibilities to take proper care of myself.

I feel sad when I see the weight on my body because I know that it was sadness, stress, fear, frustration, anxiety and struggling to stay upright in my "tiny boat" through life that created this extra fat in the first place.  Too much eating, not enough moving, way too much sugar.  Way too much of what I didn't need and far too little of what I did.

But now, I don't eat sugar.  I am active.  I eat well.  I am sharing my feelings with whoever cares to read them.  I am much more mindful in social interactions.  I am working intentionally on being my "real" self, not a watered down version afraid to say "boo", for fear of judgment.  People will judge no matter what anyway, so "BOO!".

I really do love trees.  Sitting here is peaceful.  Later, I will type this up and post, but for right now I am content.  And I know that I will get where I am trying to go.  This weight is my journey right now.  It may not be El Camino in Spain, but for me, at this point in my life, it may as well be.

Until next time...  Be well!
~Tracy