A Messy Kitchen & A Brick Wall

Day 26:  Friday.  Back to basics after my emotional meanderings.  Yesterday was an emotional day.  I spoke with several women (who I don't normally talk to) who were in some way struggling.  I wondered if it wasn't because I put a kindness beacon out into the Universe.  If it was, then I am ok with that.  Connecting with people in a REAL way on a very AUTHENTIC level, that is a worthy endeavor any day of the week.

I finally worked up the courage to get on the scale this morning, after having skipped my Week 3 Weigh In.

To recap:
Starting:  178
Week 1:  173.2
Week 2:  174.8
Week 3:  couldn't weigh myself
Week 3.4:  173.2

I would be lying if I said I was happy about this.  But I won't get anywhere crying about it.  Now, it's time to accept it and make peace with the reality of it and ask myself some tough questions.

What am I doing right?  What am I doing wrong?  What can I do better?  What are my greatest challenges?  Do I still believe this is possible (to now lose 23.2 pounds in 13 weeks - which would be 1.78 lbs/week)?

What am I doing right?  The workouts!  I have increased my activity level so much.  I am active several times a day.  Even on my low energy days, I find a way to go for a walk.  Yesterday, I played with my daughter - swimming, jump rope, trampoline, hula hoop and took a mile long walk.  Then later I played tennis (our version of volleying the ball) with my husband for a half hour.  I followed that up by spending a long time in the pool (even though it was freezing), walking the perimeter because it feels so good on my leg muscles and makes me feel calm being in the water.  I give myself an A+ for effort on the workouts.

Other things I am doing right - I still honor my breakfast and dinner meals and eat them at a table, mindfully.  I still eat lunch as well, either at a table or in front of the tv.  I am not eating any added sugar or (barely any) refined white carbohydrates.  I eat plenty of fruits and vegetables.  I drink plenty of liquids, water and green tea.

What am I doing wrong?  I had to really push myself on this one because I knew that whatever I admitted to, I would have to do something about.  I am eating too much fat in the form of olives, olive oil, walnuts, almonds, pistachios and cashews.  I absolutely could be a squirrel.  Because they are healthy, I have been grabbing handfuls here and there without thinking.  And if I am truthful, I probably grabbed a few handfuls sometimes, on some level, in a desire to avoid feeling an unpleasant feeling in the moment.

Anything else?  Maybe I have gotten lazy with my lunch preparations, especially if my kitchen is messy and so I haven't been keeping to my 3 full meals a day and perhaps began to graze a bit more.

What can I do better?  For starters, the most obvious thing I can do is to ration my nuts.  I need to start making a small snack bag in the morning with a small amount of nuts and dried fruit.  They are healthy so I don't want to give them up completely, but making my snack bag and then knowing, that's it - no more reaching for a handful here and there - will help me avoid that sabotage to my weight loss efforts.  There is part of me kicking her feet in extreme protest to this new "rule".  Maybe Geneen Roth would call that part of me, "Deprived Debbie"?  Maybe now I do get her philosophy a little bit better.  I certainly don't like it, but I will give credit where credit is due.

Reluctantly, I also realize that I need to start meal planning again.  With the kids home for summer and my favorite local grocery store closed for 6 weeks, I have really dropped the ball on this.

What are my greatest challenges?  My kitchen is my greatest challenge in so many ways.  We moved to this new house late last July and I am still fighting to make this kitchen "mine".  It is so small, I have no counter space, I feel cramped and confined when I am trying to work in there.

Even clean, this kitchen looks so cluttered and claustrophobic to me.  There is no room for food or all of my kitchen things.  And I am mostly a minimalist by nature, so I don't have hoarder amounts of stuff.  In an effort to deal with it, we are going to build a pantry in our dining room to house my things somewhat close to hand.  I put the shelves where the pantry will be, for now, just to "live with it" until we build the wall and add the doors, etc.  But this is my current situation:

Deep breath.  I know it will help when I get a bigger kitchen table, so I have more work surface in the kitchen.  I found a really great old-school Formica table at the flea market.  I had been searching because there is nothing better in a kitchen.  They are tough and clean up so well.  So that will be one improvement.

I feel like I need a solid couple days to take everything out of my kitchen cabinets and try to fight through it all and create a more efficient work space.  Because it is a work space.  The thought of cooking a big meal in a kitchen that is messy or cluttered overwhelms me.

Do I still believe this is possible (to reach my goal weight of 150 lbs by Sept 1st)?  YES!! Yes, in fact, I absolutely do believe this is possible!  Ironically, some of the hardest challenges are things I overlooked in the beginning (like organizing my kitchen) and the more pleasurable parts turned out to be the things that I was most intimidated by (like working out several times a day).

I don't have solid days to devote to my kitchen right now, but I do have time chunks.  I know that this is the next right action, the next brick wall in my path toward my goal.  I am not excited about it, trust me!  But sometimes you just have to roll up your sleeves and dive in, knowing full well, that it will get worse before it gets better.  Pulling things out of the cabinets to rearrange them is going to make a HUGE mess that will be overwhelming to even look at.  So I will try to do my best to minimize the chaos as I go along.

Always a good rule of thumb, I'd say - minimize the chaos. 

Lastly, I have decided that the weekly Monday morning weigh in is super overwhelming and a lot of pressure on a Monday morning to start my week.  Instead, and reluctantly, I have decided to weigh myself every few days and keep closer tabs on my progress.  As I type this, "Stubborn Suzy" is expressing that she is not happy about the new rule.  Hope I made you smile!  ;)

Until next time... Be well!
~Tracy