Taking Stock & Getting Emotional
Truthfully, every day can be a new starting point and each day we choose which voices (positive or negative) we listen to, which actions we will take, what we will focus on and give our attention to. This morning I woke feeling strong and "back in my body", my stomach felt good again (not bloated) the way it felt before I got derailed. I will explain this further, but before I do, ironically I must confess, last night was my first actual complete cheat.
My husband made hotdogs on the grill which he served with barbq potato chips. I ate a hotdog with mustard and most of the bun (not all, it wasn't very good) and a few handfuls of potato chips. So you can imagine my surprise that I would suddenly be feeling not bloated again this morning of all mornings!?
Obviously there are many factors involved. For me, I think it was a combination of four things. 1) Doing some energy work with my therapist yesterday. 2) Increasing my anxiety medicine back to where I used to take it, once I realized that stupid heavy feeling in my body was, in fact, anxiety. 3) Having an argument/parental confrontation with my teenage son that had been percolating for a few days, as 17 year olds often forget they aren't actually full grown adults. 4) Spending time in our pool (one of those build yourself pools) and surrendering my body and muscles to the water.
I am not a fan of medication. I am very sensitive to medicines, I think the side-effects can often be worse than the original affliction, I am weary of doctors who just throw medicine at a variety of symptoms without trying to connect the dots and finding the underlying cause. I am skeptical of the entire pharmaceutical, big money, corporate industry. HOWEVER, sometimes you need to take your medicine! Sometimes, your body is out of alignment or struggling in some way and you need the medicine. So, begrudgingly, I began taking an antihistamine medication used to treat anxiety a couple months ago. It has seriously improved the quality of my life exponentially. My goal is to learn how to manage my anxiety and not need to take it, but right now, it is helping and so I will take it. Not only for myself, but also for my family. My kids and husband are not served well by an anxiety-ridden mother and wife.
Furthermore, you can't lose weight if you are filled with anxiety. (At least I can't). The surges of hormones throughout my body when I am under intense stress or anxiety completely throw my system out of whack. If your body is under attack (too many toxins, too much sugar, too much inflammation, pain, too much anything or too little anything - nutrients, vitamins, calories, food, protein, fat and/or carbs), it can't function well. That's pretty self-explanatory but so easy to forget.
I don't want to just manage symptoms. I want to be healthy in Mind, Body and Spirit! And so I work on creating balance. In my life. In my body. In my cells. In my emotional body! For anyone who has never heard of this before, think of one of those old layered science charts - where you lift them all up and there is a skeleton, then you put the next one down and it adds the musculature and so on. Now imagine that they forgot to depict one - the emotional body - or the emotional system, how we, in our bodies, process, integrate and/or eliminate emotions. Some people are much better at this than others.
Some people (like me) are not very good at all. I am better than I used to be, but it has taken extreme effort for me to even want to feel my feelings. And it was a process that took a few years (and will take the rest of my life, I'm sure) - for me to be willing to actually sit with my feeling (if an unwanted one came up or was triggered) and not run way, distract myself or do anything to distance myself from said feeling. It was an act of courage to sit and give the emotion the space to exist. It was an act of sheer will sometimes to sit in the moment and be ok with it. But once I did, the feeling passed, usually very quickly and I felt better. And so I learned. I could feel the feeling without judging it or myself.
Hurt, vulnerability, helplessness, sadness, grief, fear, anger, jealousy - those are hard feelings to feel. It's much easier to deny, repress, suppress, eat, turn on the tv, play a game or in some way run away from feeling them. But sadly, if we don't feel our feelings, then they stick around until we do. In one way or another. So now, I try very hard to feel what I'm feeling in real time. I try to think of it as allowing them to pass through me instead of getting stuck to me.
I need to point out however that some feelings (grief, anger, betrayal, loss) are too much to feel or process all at once. They can come at you in intense waves and knock you over again and again. Some you process in bits and pieces, as you can. Some you go through stages of healing. Some you need professional help (like a therapist) or a trusted confidant (perhaps a spiritual or religious elder) to process effectively. Our current society may tell us differently, but we are social creatures. We (as humans) need social interaction to be healthy. The support we used to get from our "tribe" when we lived and worked in small communities is something we lack and (I feel) is one cause of so much of our mental health problems.
When I sat to write this blog today, I thought I was going to take stock and assess myself and my journey so far. To express that I am not even sure if writing this blog is a worthy endeavor to continue or if I am just rambling and have lost my original focus. I thought I was going to make a list of things that I was succeeding at and which I was floundering at and could let go of, in an effort to move forward along my journey. Turns out, it isn't as simple as that.
One of the very hardest things for me in life is to see human (or any kind of) suffering. Sometimes I see something on fb, or the internet or tv and I am knocked to my knees. I hurt so intensely it's like someone stabbed my heart. Sometimes I sob, sometimes I get instantly numb (my old coping mechanism) and sometimes I pray deeply from the depths of my soul. This could be something a few blocks away from me or something around the world. Something I can't handle. It can derail me, because I feel I am not strong enough to even bare the thought of it. It lingers with me. It was hard for my husband to understand this years ago. He used to tell me he never met anyone who CARED that much. But aren't we SUPPOSED to care? Aren't we supposed to be horrified by horrible things, instead of desensitized, disconnected or dismissive?
I try not to watch the news, not to get involved in drama, not to get destroyed by it. But, here's the thing - we all suffer! Some far greater than others, YES! But, we all feel. And we are all connected. And we all have ups and downs, good days and bad, sorrows and joy. And we are taught to celebrate and even inflate or fabricate the joys (in our world of social media) and downplay and deny or hide the sorrows (don't be a downer) - and then we are all suffering silently and alone. These are not easy subjects to discuss. We start with ourselves, our children, our families and loved ones. We find joy where we can, we pray and send love where we can. We find a balance (or we seek it with determination). We be kind.
For some reason, God gave me the ability to express my thoughts and feelings in written word. And a heart that is so tender and easily bruised. And a strength to persist regardless, an inner determination to always strive. So this is me taking stock. I am certainly not perfect, I do not have all of the answers, I stumble and fall and I question myself and change my mind. But, I will continue sharing my path because maybe, just maybe, there is one other person out there who feels less alone or some sense of comfort or encouragement when they read my words... the way I have been so gifted to read the words of countless others who have held my hand when I needed it.
We will do this together, because together, we can do anything!
And yes, I do have tears in my eyes as I share this, because I do feel my feelings.
Maybe small pebbles of kindness tossed into the ocean of our collective humanity does make ripples?
Until next time... Be well!
~Tracy
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